Photo by: Matthew Henry

Today I am just going to write a quick journal about what happened to me this morning. Lately, I have been getting really bad tension headaches and it has been making it difficult for me to write. So, recently I started taking a medication to help with these headaches, however, they can make me drowsy. This morning I woke up late for the second day in a row. It was hard for me to get out of bed and get moving. As I got into my car I could tell that I was irritated. I just assumed it was due to feeling tired.

As my morning went on, I started having negative thoughts and a lot of them were insecure thoughts about relationships. I started thinking about past conversations and past actions and wondering if I was just repeating the same negative patterns. Am I keeping myself entrapped? Will anything ever change? How long should I let this continue? The thoughts and questions just kept flowing. Then I thought, this is going to be a bad day, I can feel it. Then something happened.

I stopped everything I was doing and turned off the movie that I had on and told myself that I was aware of my irritation and the feelings. I was having feelings of abandonment and never feeling good enough or worthy. Once I became aware that I felt a specific way in that moment… things started to change. I still felt like I wanted to cry, and even more, I felt like I needed to be held. I just sat there with my feelings and observed them. After about ten minutes or so, the feelings started to subside and my irritability went away. All of those negative thoughts that I was having started to fade and I no longer felt like today would continue to be a bad one.

The more I practice awareness and reflection over reaction, the easier it seems for me to work through feelings, problems, and egos. The key is when you are feeling overwhelmed is to become aware that it is a feeling and it will pass if you allow it to. If you hold on to that feeling it will stay with you and continue to haunt you until you are ready to deal with the trauma behind that emotion. For me, growing up I never felt good enough or loved. I am still not completely healed from this trauma because this became a repeating pattern in my adult life. However, I can become aware of these feelings much sooner and not react to them in the way I use to. I now use my emotions as tools to let me know if I am in or out of alignment with my inner-self. Awareness is the way to dissolve old patterns.

~Kathleen Marie

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2 thoughts on “Insecurity v. Awareness: Who Won?

  1. to “Know Thy Self” is to learn One’s Absolute Value…
    from Intro to Algebra it was stated that “the absolute value of any number is always a positive…”
    my experience has brought this Absolute Value “structure” to me, as a means of continuing to own my conditions and states…
    Your shared expressions have provided me with a confirmation of this “Principle of Personal Responsibility”, and I thank You, for sharing your story…

    “It is, again, the capacity for Choice that makes us accountable for our own actions and states.” Epictetus

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for taking the time to share your insights on this topic! Personal responsibility is not easy for most, but I feel the more you take responsibility for the good and bad in your life, the more control you have in choosing what you want, instead of just allowing things to continure to exist as the norm.
      Again, Thank you for taking time to ready my journal and respond. ❤


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