Photo by Isabella Mariana

Why do I have to hurt you so bad that you get to walk away feeling like the victim? When the truth is I was just to weak, to afraid, to use to being treated so badly. Why do I lack the courage to let you go, even when I know you are cancerous? For as long as I can remember, I hoped and prayed that you would change. That you could see the pain that you were inflicting on me. That you could empathize just a little. These hopes and prayers were so futile.

I now realize that I was just projecting who I wanted you to be, who I needed you to be. That is not love; that is trauma. My trauma was not caused by you initially. That occurred long before you came along, when I was a child and before you existed in my reality. When you came along, I was looking for what I was lacking and instead found what was familiar…More Trauma.

As the years went on, we became entangled, like magnets of opposite poles pulling towards each other; an attraction that was irresistible. We were entangled in so much pain that it seemed that the only way out was suicide. I did not have the strength or courage to just walk away. You always found a way back into my life. So, I committed the ultimate sin and committed relational suicide. I hurt you so badly that you would never want to come close to me. You fear me. You fear feeling the pain so much that you mask it with anger. See you can write people off so easy. I always envied that about you. Now, I wonder if that is truly as easy as you make it seem.

Photo by Ismael Sanchez from Pexels

You think I did this because I don’t care about you; that I didn’t love you. The truth is I cared about you more than I cared about myself. I cared about how you felt about me. I cared about how you didn’t care about me, my feelings. or my happiness. I gave up a life of freedom for a life of lies and bondage. I have been bonded to you and can’t seem to break the shackles. The only way out was suicide. I had to kill every emotional tie you had to me. I had to unleash the beast in you. I had to let go of the dream I had of us growing old together. I had to sacrifice my flesh and blood, my daughter to free myself; to see your true self. The self that I purposefully hid. I had to escape the fantasy that I had created in my mind. I had to shatter that reality like breaking a mirror and picking up a shard of that mirror and slice my wrists, killing all past and future fantasies.

I had to accept you for who you are. Your vulnerable, naked, childlike self. Your pains, your fears, and your traumas. Something happened to you along the way that caused you to be my opposite. Underneath all that amour you wear, is a child that wants love just the same as I.

I can now honor who I am and value my worth. I do not need to hurt you to get over you. I can only love you for what you gave me; my love for myself. I climbed out of the pit of despair and stopped depending on you to love me because I did not know how to love myself. I believe you are still on that journey of finding your own self love.

In finding myself and my love, I can honestly say that I love you and I do not need you to love me in return. I can only hope that someday you can love me too in similiar way. I hope I left an imprint on your heart other than pain. Maybe in a different life; in a different reality we can see that we were entangled to teach each other how to love ourselves and not each other.

Photo by Carl Attard from Pexels

Thank you for giving me just enough pain for me to be able to find myself again. It is the greatest gift and I will cherish it for the rest of this life.

Will Love You Always…

~Kathleen Marie

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